“Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.”
― Mark Twain
Procrastination - The place where dreams come to die.
In the Psych ward, the Broken Wings Anonymous were having their weekly meeting. Beaver, Bear & Squirrel were dressed in their spotty gowns and woolly socks and sat patiently outside for the doors to open to the big hall. Squirrel had completely lost her marbles and was scurrying down the corridors, running into the walls, trying to make sense of her surroundings. Bear was oscillating between standing tall & being grizzly and taming down to be furry & cute. And Beaver sat there, on a stretcher bed, tapping her tail, being pensive, drowned in her own thoughts. It is where she often found true meaning of the world around. She wanted to tell Bear so much, but knew he was not in the state to listen. “You see Bear, we’re in this together, you & I. I love you and want to fuss over you and give you the world and despite our shortcomings, I see you as whole. In this space, at this exact moment, we are complete.” But the words just swam around in jumbled script in her mind. She was unable to utter the right thing to say, for she did not know if she would be greeted by unfriendly grizz or the self-deprecating cuddle bug. Either way, her message would be drowned by the silences of the circumstance. It made so much sense in her head. But she had been here before and that is why she is here again. Hoping this time, it would be different. But Bear had said his piece, so what was she waiting for? Affirmation? A sign? Bear to say it again? Why was it so hard for Bear to see that his words slice her in half sometimes. She was angry, yes, but now she is not. She is hurt that Bear never saw the thought behind it, that in his practical overdrive, bear is missing the meaning. And so, everything that Beaver ever did, or wants to do, seems so grey & meaningless. She sees no point in reconciliation for the if chance that Bear would abandon her again. Leave her hanging, toy with her vulnerability. He already explained his plight. She even understood it. But is this it then? Is it now? Beaver was never one for recognition or reciprocation. But every once in a while, to hear that she means something, would be nice. Bear is inexpressive, but it seems harder and harder to believe, especially now when she feels Bear does not even want to put in the effort. She tries, she falls, she hurts, she juggles, but all Bear sees is her shortcoming. Bear does not even remember things about Beavers day or life. Bear does not remember the little things and Beaver always does. She loves those things; she picks up on them and nurtures them and pampers them to the point of smothering. And today, before this meet, Beaver wants tell Bear how she feels and that she understands Bear’s life is hard and that he battles with a million sets of emotions and responsibilities. “But Bear, if I cannot occupy a tiny section of your thoughts even now, then there is no future. You think there never will be, but that is just me keeping my baggage & responsibility out of your crowded life. You not even wanting to give me space in your mind, does not make me think I mean anything. I know you dislike the validation. But you sure seem to like the accusation. I am wearing thin Bear. This is not a threat; these are my feelings. I try with everything I know, to pick you up, but I fall short in your eyes. My eyes see me as different. My eyes see me as right, but your eyes see me as petulant and child-like with no understanding of the world. But Bear, I know the world is cruel, but I want to be carefree. I do not want the problems to win. And no one is watching but you and me. Cross your heart Bear and tell me honestly, do you ever not feel light when you give in? Do you feel the weight of it all when you are being a child with me? And yet, when you are not there, I feel lost, Bear. More than you ever could. And even though you leave no moment spared without telling me off, I harbour no ill feelings. I guess that is love. I feel attacked Bear, when you mock my efforts and don’t express. I feel demotivated to carry on with something you have already lost hope in. I see it fading. Not so much in words but in action. And I Know that for that one day, eventually, you have decided our fate, but does it mean I have to see you harsh & hardened now?”
Beaver and Bear often fall out. Their misunderstandings last for days. But Beaver is the sensitive, sentimental, crazy one, who looks at the clock and knows exactly what Bear is doing. Bear has always hidden her from his world and continues to do so. Bear is the kind to say what he needs, blissfully unaware of Beavers state of being. And Beaver seems to make peace with it every time. But today, especially today, Beaver does not feel the love. And so she wants Bear to step up, to show her, but Bear, being himself, leaves Beaver insecure and Beaver knows that if she tells him this, he will have ten other things to say to defend himself. “Sometimes Bear, it does not have to be about you. Sometimes you may think I am blaming, but I am healing, and I want you to be the antidote to the venom in my head. For only you can.” But today and forever, Bear wants to be free and Beaver does not want him to feel chained down by her feelings. And so, another day passes as Beaver feels the unrest. But she misses her Bear and wishes things were different.
And just then, the doors begin to creak open and Mrs Huffle appears, dressed crisply but with a warm smile. “Come on in Happy Wings, lets mend your disrupted soar”, she says, as they all hobble in, carrying the weight on their shoulders, to face their inner dismantle.